Editor's Note: (Holly Thomas is a British writer and editor based in London. She tweets @HolstaT. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the author. View more opinion articles on CNN.)
(CNN) Romantic Christmas movies have a lot to answer for. They inhabit a world in which a character played by actress and singer Martine McCutcheon is incessantly described derogatorily -- and inaccurately -- as fat ("Love Actually"), schoolboys are advised to hunt girls they fancy through airports, breaking the law in the process ("Love Actually") and bosses instruct subordinates to proposition each other ("Love Actually").
One of the worst tropes that Christmas rom coms -- and let's face it, one divisive movie in particular -- perpetuate is the power of the grand gesture. The idea that if you make a big enough fuss, you can persuade someone that they don't know their own mind (or at least, hoover up maximum sympathy in the process) has lasting allure.
Nary a year goes by when someone doesn't mention that awful "say it's carol singers" scene with Keira Knightley, and no matter how many times people expose it for the trash it is, "Love Actually" remains at the top of the Netflix holiday watchlist.
Because we all sometimes wish people would make emotional U-turns for no better reason than "I really want them to."
But played out in real life, without a scriptwriter on hand to ensure any such outburst is warmly received, a different and more sinister picture unfolds. What looks like passion on screen can translate to attention-seeking harassment in the flesh.
One recent example is the rapper Offset's surprise appearance at his estranged wife Cardi B's performance at the Rolling Loud festival in Los Angeles. In the middle of her set, stagehands pushed out a cake and flowers spelling out "Take me back Cardi." Meanwhile, Offset came onstage and told her, "I just want to tell you I'm sorry, bruh. In person. In front of the world." The pair had recently split after rumors that he cheated on her. They exchanged some tense words, and Cardi asked him to leave.
Essentially, having disrespected Cardi in the first instance, Offset imposed himself on her while she was working and made a night that was meant to be hers about him. The stunt caused Cardi B fans to bite back at Offset and compelled Cardi to publicly ask them to stop in a (now deleted) Instagram video. In addition, Offset's father opined about "hot headed females," as though Cardi's temperament rendered Offset's behavior an inevitability. It has served only to perpetuate an unpleasant event Cardi would surely prefer to move past.
Now, "Love Actually" didn't make Offset do it. But the holidays undeniably provide a convenient pressure cooker for those not above guilt tripping people they have wronged. The "tis the season, forgive me" mindset -- which justifies Hugh Grant (as the Prime Minister) in stalking his former employee, Martine "Plumpy" McCutcheon (who quit her job after Hugh witnessed her being sexually harassed by the US President and did nothing) to her family home on Christmas Eve -- plays out again and again in real life.
Offset recently posted a video on his Instagram, begging Cardi to let him spend Christmas with her and their baby. It strikes a chord reinforced in so much popular messaging: At this time of year, I get a free pass. And my audience agrees.
Taking a personal, painful matter involving someone besides yourself and making it public without their consent is the swiftest proof that you do not truly understand what you have done wrong. It is the action of someone who has calculated the route by which they can gain most sympathy, rather than cause the least harm. And that attitude doesn't just damage romantic relationships.
Thomas Markle, in the latest of many public demonstrations, appeared on "Good Morning Britain" this week to beg his estranged daughter Meghan to reply to his messages. He said he was "disappointed," continuing: "I'm not sure why it's happening ... I have been trying to reach out for several weeks, every day I try to text her, but haven't received anything back."
Markle added that he hoped the Queen would step in to "resolve the family problems," and added that "all families, royal or otherwise, are the same and should be together at the holidays."
All families aren't the same, though. And despite popular myth, it actually doesn't make sense to spend what ought to be a joyous time of year with someone who has caused you a gigantic headache during some of the most significant and stressful periods of your life. Time and again, Thomas Markle's words have been self-serving. He has literally admitted that he has been advised to go about things differently, telling GMB: "People are saying I should be quiet about this and not speak — that if I don't speak, they will speak to me."
He has been spoon-fed instructions on how to proceed, yet he continues to speculate about his daughter on TV, choosing attention-seeking gestures over the silence Meghan would surely prefer. Why on earth should she spend Christmas with him, only to find on Boxing Day that nothing has really changed?
Towards the end of "Love Actually," Liam Neeson's character advises his lovelorn stepson: "You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over." It sounds encouraging, but those values play out in real life as a moral vacuum in which people are awarded as prizes as long as you make enough noise.
Holidays are treated like consequence-free bubbles which celebrate emotional coercion and enforce a perverse sense of duty. The idea that you shouldn't take no for an answer because everyone comes together at Christmas gives the selfish behavior of people like Thomas Markle and Offset the perfect cover -- and papers over the negative consequences for anyone else.